Sunday, July 15, 2018

GRAM CUTS.

You know all those pictures you take that aren't good enough to gram, or when you just took 400 of your baby and it'd be weird to share them all, lol? These are mine from the past few weeks...


Em's at the splash pad. I did take about 400 pictures, and could have shared all of them, she's so stinking cute in a swim suit. Why can't I be this cute? OR ARE WE ALL ACTUALLY THIS CUTE?


DONUTS. 

And a random thought about donuts, I was on Pinterest the other day looking for quotes to share (bc I do that) and I came across this "quote" not once, but TWICE. It said "weights don't make women big, donuts do." Pissed me off, so just a reminder that literally anyone can put a quote to picture. Careful who you choose to follow. 


Pictures I send to my husband....


Cute backs of baby dresses from Target. 


Me throwing my child upside down in a photo booth.


Lots of mirror selfies don't make the cut, lol. But that's my job believe it or not. 
To work out, and show up.


AND to also share what I'm eating Which is really fun for me lately. I'm so excited to talk more about what I'm learning with Intuitive Eating...

 It's early, and I have a lot more work than I initially thought, but I think it's going to be a game-changer.


And add to another approx 400 photos + videos on my phone are Emily at Gym. She started when she was only 9 months, and it's been the coolest thing to watch her grow. She's a MONKEY. You should see her climb up on the couch! She pushes the button to recline it JUST enough so that it makes an inclince for her to get up, sort of like this.


Where I spend most lunches after Gym, hahaha. If she falls asleep on the way home, I just keep the car on and let her sleep so I have to eat or work from the garage. I took this shot to post about how I felt uninspired one day...

I wonder why, lol. 


More pictures to my husband. #SAHMLIFE 


Babys first In-N-Out Milkshake. *Kidding, not her first at all. 


Oh, and speaking of my husband. I do have one picture of him from the last month, hahaha. Probably one of my new favorites. From the other day when we all trekked to the hair salon together. Emily was a gem. She's like that in public, lol..


And now bringing it back to this morning, with another selfie in front another mirror to share with my online community about how I woke up in a mooooood. 

A "moooooooood" called, my-baby-was-up-for-two-hours-in-the-middle-of-the-night #becausemolars. I got over it though thanks to the help of my pre-workout, which if I'm doing my job right, you should all know that I LOVE.


Leaving me to end it on this note -- giving all these precious little babies away for anyone who joins my community in July. They're great for workout motivation, but really, they just bring me life. And I wanna bring everyone to life <3 

It's my calling. *that and being a Mom, of course lol..

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

DIET DROPOUT.


I'm a big believer that things really do just fall into your lap sometimes.

Or, you order it on Amazon and then it's delivered to your door...lol.

But no, really. Just like I had never heard of Beachbody three years ago, and it showed up in my Instagram feed one day. A few months ago I had never heard of the idea of intuitive eating, then it showed up in my Instagram feed one day. It's a bit "trendy" so it's no suprise, especially as I'm involved in the wellness world, and industry. But just like Beachbody, what I had found was a real person, living it, and bless her heart -- SHARING it, and I started watching.

It intrigued me. Like, a lot. To where I was following this girl just to see what she ate for lunch, and then searching for other people who were talking about it, and reading their stories and I just couldn't get enough. I was so curious. And I actually have this whole spiel I talk about when I share with girls about the coaching opportunity and how curiousity is energy, and passion is just another word for energy, so basically -- curiousity is what gets you to pay attention to what you really care about. I even ask them what's something that they could do for hours, or what section of Barnes and Noble they would get lost in if they had nowhere to be.

...... / what would you put in your Amazon cart over and over again, lol.

Early in May, I had done a "mindful" eating course with a bunch of girls, and while it was definitely one of the more flexible nutrition plans I had ever done, I'd say that I more or less "failed" it. There were some rules, or suggestions, and because there were..I felt I had to break them. Anyone else relate? I actually know so, because about half the group loved it and are doing great, but the other half, well -- they are me. Which is where this finally came in. After I was late for Little Gym one morning because I was watching an Instagram Live story from an Intuituive Eating Counselor, I was like..why am I holding back from learning more about this? I think what's been hard for me, and this is #REALTALK -- is that because I share so much, and stepped into this "coach" role, I think I'm not supposed to have problems anymore. I went from hiding my eating disorder, to talking about it like it was all behind me. But I've been very much still living it, just under cover in the name of "health."

I don't think it's uncommon. And if I truly want to help people, which I do. Then it helps no one if I'm not being honest. And honestly -- I have a problem. Food has controlled my life for as long as I can remember. I binge as a coping mechanism for literally everything. To numb whatever feelings I don't want to feel, to comfort myself, distract myself. Then throw in the fact that I like to be thin...and I don't think it was anyones fault because it's just the way it is, but I was raised knowing skinny was good. Meaning obviously, that food was bad. So I've been living in a state of food regret and guilt my entire life.

I have a video about my eating disorder if anyone wants to hear about it, I'll link it >> here, but..it's a lot. And just like it's hard to say when it started, I'm not sure if it ever ends either. There have been many times where I thought I was "cured." I mean, almost ten years ago I stopped taking adderall to supress my appetite. Two years ago, I stopped purging. I was pretty successful for a while at the whole "balance" thing, but I don't think what they mean by balance is obsessing over your food choices all week, and then deciding you're going insane, so you eat 25 cookies. Food still controls my every thought just as much as it always has, if not more lately. And honestly? I'm just so tired of it.

I'm over it.

And maybe that's where it ends?

We'll find out. I've heard this takes on average 9 months of practice to get the hang of, which makes sense since you're unlearning everything you've ever known. Or NOT known, like while we were out to lunch over the weekend, and I realized that I literally don't even know if I'm hungry or not. Or what for. I read the menu over and over trying to decide what sounded good, and it was stressful. A few thoughts kept coming to mind. One was, that I should order a salad because I'm "supposed to" have a certain number of veggie servings every day. The other was, to eat light so I could order a dessert. Even though, I wasn't even really in the mood for dessert, it was an opportunity to play the balance / cheat card and get away with ordering dessert. But with less guilt because I shorted myself on lunch first. It sounds silly, but it was so hard for me to just order what I felt like eating because I had all these rules and ideas surrounding the decision, making it seem super important. When in fact, it was just lunch. One of the millions I will have in my lifetime, and if every food decision is that important..where's the room for everything else? It's just all consuming for me. And, I'm over it.

Maybe this will just become another thing I try, but my hopes are it's the last thing. And I've done enough pre-research / stalking to know that for someone like me with my history, and where I'm at, it seems promising. But holy NINE MONTHS lol. Figured if I'm going to share and hope to help others, I'd better start from the beginning so here we go.

Have you heard of Intutive Eating? Have you tried it? Are you a pro?? If so, let me stalk you, haha! And if you want to follow along on the daily, friend me on Instagram, ok?!

Sunday, July 1, 2018

30 + 13 MONTHS.



I have about half an hour left of nap time, and I should be doing something like...cleaning, but Emily will be 14 months this weekend, and I have yet to write up any kind of post on her life...so here I am.

And I'm including an update on myself, because we're basically one person, and also because this is 2018 and the internet is scary, so I've decided my social media accounts are about me. *with a SIDE of Emily since like I said, we're basically one person. Can't help it. The only real documentation of our lives together that I've done so far has been this little bullet journal, I'll link it >> HERE << but I basically send it to every new Mom that I know because I personally just found it so overwhelming to try and keep a baby book while I was drowning the past year. Some nights, it was hard enough just to write down a sentance that summed up our day. Some recent ones I've looked back on from last year, when she was just about two months old are...

- "today felt like 100 hours."
- "told myself I was a bad Mom."
- "Emily cried, and I cried."

So, you see. I wasn't exactly the kind of new Mom who was taking pretty pictures and thinking about how wonderful everything had become. I was quite angry actually. And..it makes me sad, but at the same time, not really because LOOK AT US NOW! Sharing a pint of ice cream together, like two peas in a pod. Which we totally are! I feel like the real turning point came when she started walking, about a week after her first birthday. Ever since then, we've each gotten some independence (Praise Jesus) and it's been so good for us both. I get to do things, like clean -- and she does whatever she wants. Which is usually getting into things that are definitely not hers, but it's fine. I like to let her be her. Her favorite activities since becoming a walker are..

- Walking around yelling "DA." For the Dog.
- Empyting out the kitchen cupboards, 100x a day.
- Climbing INTO the dishwasher, and leaving with all of my straws...
- Bringing us the same Valentines Day book over, and over and over.
- Walking herself into her bedroom for her "blanket" which is actually not a blanket at all, but her Halo Sleep Sack which she's completely obsessed with.

John keeps saying how he feels so bad for her because she doesn't have a real blanket, and I'm like.."SHE HAS 400." She just wants the Sleep Sack! Doesn't bother me. It's like how I wear the same raggety ass sweat pants all the time, even though I have much nicer ones. It's just a comfort thing!

But back to the walking, because I feel like I waited forever for it. My favorite is that now what we can semi-communicate + she's mobile, when I say "let's go for a walk" -- SHE WILL GO TO THE GARAGE DOOR. Or when it's "time to get in the tub" -- SHE WILL WALK HERSELF TO THE BATHROOM. Lately, she walks herself to our bathroom, lol..but that's fine. Like I said! I let her be her so if she wants to get in my tub instead, that's fine! She's only saying a few words..everything is "this." And besides the occasional "MAM," they're more noises than actual words, but it's crazy how you one day, there's this baby who you're not even sure if they realize they're on this planet -- and then a year later, they're pointing at things and trying to help you put the top on your water bottle, and imitating everything that you do...

It's scary. I knew being a Mom was a big job, and I was pretty sure I had learned a lot from my own Mom because, I just figured. But seeing Emily learn directly from ME? It's FREAKY. The day I saw her take my hairbrush and put it to her head, I was like...uh. Shoot. What else have you been watching me do?

It's a big, big job. Should I be sharing a pint of ice cream with her? I really don't know, probably not. But I guess the real story behind this is that I'm working through some things. ALWAYS THE FOOD RELATED THINGS. (Will there be an end to this story, ever? I don't know.) Once last summer, when Emily was still an alien baby, unsure what planet she was on -- I found myself in the pantry while John was outside cutting the grass, and I was dipping a spoon into a jar of peanut butter, and then alternating it with a spoonful of Nutella. The best combo, am I right? Except, it wasn't at all joyful like those Nutella commercials where the family's smiling while eating a "healthy, balanced breafast of Nutella on whole wheat toast." (Eye roll.) I was shame eating. Who knows why. I remember I was trying really hard to stick to my macro plan, and clearly it wasn't working. (Because it never would.) But I remember finally noticing that Emily was in my arms....

Like, I was doing the same thing she was. Living my life with her always attached to me, but not realizing what was going on. Because she wasn't walking or talking yet, and was just this...crying, sleeping prop like a baby doll you're forced to babysit from Home Ec. It didn't even occur to me that what I was doing mattered until then. So, now. I guess where I'm at is, if I'm eating the thing, she's going to see me. And I don't know if what I'm doing is wrong or right. And maybe there's no such thing, but all I can do is try my best to be a decent example. And the truth of the matter is, I am recovering, and learning..and I'd like to think there's no shame in that. Yet, here I am. Sharing ice cream with my daughter. Clearly I am conflicted, but I think we're in a good place.

Growing together.




2 p's. 
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