Thursday, March 19, 2015

Could I be nice for...ever?

This post is in response to Could I be nice for 30 days?

I had all intentions of writing this post the day after I finished my 30 day challenge, but forgive me for I was too busy getting back to my normal mean self. Just kidding. Kind of. I did let myself fall off the wagon a little too hard the first day after. I supposes it's similar to someone finishing a whole30 and buying a dozen donuts the next day.  I've had a few days to think it over now, and here's what I think...

I think that being mean is really just a bad habit. That if we are really being honest, most of us partake in. Reading my journal back there was so much stupid stuff. And some real stuff. But mostly it was things I didn't really need to care about or concern myself with. Getting pissed at someone who wouldn't let me over on the highway. Thinking some woman's dog at the mailbox was annoying. Gossiping about if so and so still had a boyfriend. Whats it matter to me? Absolutely nothing. So once I realized that I found myself just ignoring these thoughts. And you know what? It felt good. Freeing almost. I wrote one day, "This is definitely getting easier because when I start to get a nasty thought, I just push it away and don't pay any attention to it."

Being negative was a little harder for me though. I have this horrible habit of texting John a million times a day complaining about something that is bothering me literally in that moment. During this time I found myself going to text him, and then stopping myself. It seemed like I had hardly anything to say anymore.  I also found myself getting irritated with situations way too easily, like when I couldn't find what I was looking for at Target and said out loud "OH MY GOD I HATE THIS STORE!" A lot of days I would write that I woke up with a negative attitude. That I wasn't looking forward to the day or the week because of this or that. But I found that once I wrote it down and acknowledged it, I would feel better almost immediately and find reasons to turn my mood around. I think it's just so much easier to stay in a little negative hole sometimes then to actually stop and find a good reason to climb out.

And this is the part that I hate the most- More than a few times I let my own thoughts on other people ruin my attitude. Reading E! News (my guiltiest pleasure), scrolling through Instagram or watching reality TV. I would get feelings of jealousy, or resentment or find myself picking people apart. Sometimes I would even begin to feel angry. I wrote some mean things I would rather not share, but afterwards I would write "Why do I care?" WHY DO YOU CARE MORGAN? I don't know why we are all so concerned with other people and when did it become okay to be? I am saying "we" because I know for sure I am not alone in this one. So I am just to go ahead and admit it for all of us, ok? Once I thought about this and how badly if makes me feel, I would catch myself thinking something nasty and just cut it off mid thought. And then - surprise - it had no affect on me. I moved on. And I continued to feel good about myself and about others.

So in all honesty, I am no where near perfect or cured of this behavior. But I don't think I'm as horrible as I thought. Because once I actually took a look at myself and saw what I was doing, I changed it. And it was pretty easy. I think it's just like any other bad habit that needs to be broken. I can't tell you how good it felt some of those days to wake up and shake off the negative feelings and choose to be positive. Or to keep my mouth shut when someone else wanted to gossip. Or to change a mean thought, into a nice one. It really is all a matter of choice isn't it?

I'm not going to carry around a notebook anymore, and with the exception of the past few days I am going to keep doing what I'm doing. I would suggest this little challenge to anyone! Trust me, you'll feel good.


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