Friday, July 17, 2015

Mood / unedited.

I wanted to use this space as an "open journal" to sort out my thoughts and get things off my chest. Not all the time, because that could get embarrassing and who would want to read that, but just when I  felt like I needed to.

But I haven't. And lately I've found myself reaching for and writing in my actual paper journal because there's just so many things I'm not sure I can talk about here. I don't know what's opening up "too much" or what's appropriate. I'm always worried about offending people so I try to stay neutral, and of course I cant name drop on here so I have to be careful of that too.

And the other problem is that when I write in this space, I edit down my words until they are just a brief little sliver of the original emotion or though I first had. I try so hard to make things make sense for other people, when in my head, I hardly ever make sense at all. And a post is supposed to have a general topic right? When I journal I usually jump from this to that and almost never end with a conclusion on anything. But I always, always feel better. It's the best therapy for me.

I want to start writing down more "journal like" posts here. If someone wants to read it they can, but they are more than welcome to skip over it. It might not be funny, although I do consider myself kind of funny 99.9% of the time, sometimes I get mad, or sad or angry too. And sometimes I get stupidly happy. But when I reach for the journal, it's usually because I'm not feeling happy.

I am forever searching for the secret to happiness. What makes me happy? How to be happy all the time. How to stay positive all the time. It's what I want more than anything else in the world. Probably because I'm the kind of person who gets down a lot. And very easily. I'm the kind of person that if I don't work at it, could fall into a depression very quickly. I don't want that. I've been there before. And I wouldn't let that happen again.

One day last week, I sat outside on my balcony drinking coffee early in the morning. I watched people rushing out their doors, dressed in work clothes, briefcases slung over their shoulders, coffees in hand...getting in their cars headed to a day of real work. And I found myself feeling jealous of that. They all seemed to have somewhere important to be. And I started to feel like my life wasn't important at all. But two years ago that was me. And I hated it. Absolutely hated working in an office, dressed up like someone that wasn't me, hated that I had to be somewhere at 8 am and I couldn't leave until 5 pm. Doing something all day long that didn't bring me any real joy. I hated that I could never sit at home on a random Friday afternoon eating pizza like I am right now. All I ever wanted was to do what I'm doing right now. To do something that I enjoy, that's stress-free and only part time with the flexibly to not work every day because I know how much I need "my" time too.

But sometimes I'm not sure. What do I want "to do" with my life? Sometimes I think I know, and sometimes I have no idea. I think watching all of those people go to work that morning, I felt like everyone else knew what they wanted in life and were important in the world. And happy. I assumed they were all happy about it. Like everyone had it figured out except me.

Then I just started out this week feeling down. I was feeling like, what's my purpose in life? I came home Tuesday and just cried and cried about everything and about nothing at the same time. Am I unimportant? Is what I'm doing stupid because it's not really working towards anything achievable? I enjoy what I do, but is that enough? It there any real merit to just working to be happy?  Especially when someone like my husband works so hard and has real goals, with a real purpose and working towards a destination with our future and our family in mind. Is it totally selfish of me to just want to be happy?

Wednesday I was out on the balcony again, eating lunch and reading a book this time, when a neighbor walked by and asked if I was a teacher. At first I was flattered, like do I look smart enough to be a teacher?! But then I realized that he was asking because I spend so much time at home...seeming to be on a vacation. And then I felt stupid. Unimportant.

Sometimes the mornings are the hardest. Sometimes I wake up and I'm totally fine and super excited for the day ahead, whatever it may be, but other times I just think of the worst. Which is so stupid because I couldn't possibly have a bad day with the way my life is set up right now. I have it easy. But sometimes I just don't feel excited about the day that's laid out in front of me, whatever that may be. And sometimes the afternoons are the hardest just the same. The sadness can creep in on me at any time if I'm not careful.

I started doing this thing, where in the morning I write down three things that I'm thankful for. And throughout the day I focus on those three things. Then at the end of the day, I write down three things that made me happy that day. Focusing on those three things that I was thankful for really made me love and appreciate my life. And what's funny, is the first day I ended up writing down way more than three things that made me happy by the end of the day. Proving to myself that I am happy right now. I like my life. I'm doing exactly what makes me happy, and that's all I ever wanted right? That's what has always been most important to me.

After doing this for a few days, I already feel so much better. Not everyone needs to have an "important" job, unless that is what makes them happy. Maybe what I do for a "living" means nothing, but isn't day after day of not being miserable worth something? I think so. And I guess not knowing it all now, is okay because life unfolds one day at a time right? I need to remember that. And God bless my husband who encourages me to find whatever my "happy" is, and just be that. (Thank you.)

Adding to my journal today of things that made me happy: eating pizza in the afternoon at home.

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