Sunday, July 10, 2016

Still not Beyonce.

I just took this picture after I did yoga in basically the dark and almost cried when I couldn't hold a stupid balance pose. Because for some reason I think I should be good at everything, including advanced yoga.

I'm not really sure where this is going to go or what I'm really even here to write about, I just know I need to write. I had a pretty bad day last Friday, and it's left me feeling like everything just sucks. I've mentioned before that I'm very prone to depression, but I'm usually pretty good at fighting against it too. (In case anyone's ever wondered why my life goal is to learn the secret to happiness. There it is.) But sometimes, I push, push, push it away and then one thing happens that knocks me down...then another and then another and HELLO, end of the world. I guess that's sort of what happened this past week. And because everything that happened was my own damn fault, I focus on what I did/am doing wrong and I get all sucked into this self inflicted state of depression where I start telling myself that I can't do anything right. That I suck at life. That there's no hope for me. And I just get super down on myself and it's hard to come back from that place. I always do, but it takes some convincing from myself that I don't in fact suck at life. So I guess thats why I'm here tonight. To go over my convincing argument..

So what happened on Friday was first of all SO ridiculous I am not even going to admit what threw me over, but something happened and on top of a few other things that happened last week (also pretty ridiculous in the grand scheme of life) I just lost it. I felt so hopeless all of a sudden and I got this urge to just seriously quit life. Does anyone else ever feel like that? Whenever things become too much, or I really fuck up a lot, my mind just immediately goes to this place where I feel like it can never get better so I should just give up. It's fucked up. And ridiculous because I know better than to believe that. But that's how I feel. At first I tried to blame all my problems on other things. I posted on my Instagram how being online all the time was causing me troubles. But really, it's my own damn fault how much time I spend online. And then last week I also posted about how I'm working out too much and my body hates me. And about how I'm being too strict with my eating "plan" and how I freaked the fuck out over a cheeseburger. So in hindsight, I should have known this was coming.

I'm being a crazy person. I'm doing too much. Trying to be too much. And I need to stop.

Now, don't laugh. Because in comparison to most people in the world I am not doing much at all. But to me, I am. I guess I haven't talked about it too much here (because I'm too busy..) but I'm REALLY going full steam ahead with being a Beachbody coach. I am seriously so passionate about it and I have never gone after a "career" before, I more or less just "fall" into things. So because I really want this, I am ALL IN. And it's not easy. But I know I can do it.'s not easy and there are no shortcuts.  I have to put in my time. And a big part of that IS BEING ONLINE. Documenting my own journey, sharing what I'm learning, talking about what's working for me and inviting others to join. And then I'm participating in so many Facebook groups and leading multiple groups and getting in on every single training that I can get my hands on and listening in on calls and watching Youtube videos while I eat lunch or brush my teeth and writing ten page emails to people who want to know more because I AM ME AND I OVER DO IT. But I love all this, don't think for a second that I don't! But then there's that thing that happens when we open up Instagram, or Facebook or Pinterest or fricking Snapchat...time disappears. So yeah, I spend TOO MUCH time online.

And I am working out hard. I am pushing myself. But I want to. It's part of my journey to prove to myself I can do anything and I'm addicted to the challenge now. But I also know that I need to because again, I am taking this SO seriously. I know I have to put in the time and do the hard work and be an example that says "LOOK I did it, and so can you!" It's a huge part of the reason I became a coach. It's my accountability and I want to show anyone else who spent their life thinking they can't, that they can. But this past week, I pushed myself too far. And I know it. 

And then this stupid meal plan. I don't even want to talk about it. I am so over it because it's in my head all damn day. And by "meal plan" I just mean a combination of the 21 Day Fix plan and other things I've learned along the way. I basically just mean, the "plan" I am trying to teach myself. I'm finally beginning to learn what works for me, but it's hard. And it might always be hard for me. I have bad days. And I'm really hard on myself. But I'm learning every single day how to get better, and I will get there. But right now, in the beginning, it's a lot mentally. So add a food related breakdown onto anything else and it does feel like the end of the world.

Those are just a few examples of areas where I'm not perfect and I feel like I should be, or have to be if I really want this to work. So when things go wrong, I feel crushed. AND what's probably really throwing me over, is that I've been neglecting so many other parts of my life making me feel like a failure for not being able to do it all. There's this blog for example! It's a constant thing in the back of my mind that I know I NEED to put effort into because it's important to me, but I'm not making time for it. There are so many books I'm "reading" that I want to just soak in every single word and apply them to my life, but I can't even get myself to read for even 20 minutes a day sometimes. My brain just won't calm down! And I'm barely sleeping! John went to bed an hour and a half ago, and here I am. If I'm not blogging (which obviously I haven't been, lol) I'm doing something else on my never ending "list." OH and then I can't forget the most important thing I've been neglecting lately...FINDING A PART TIME JOB! (Until I make the big bucks, lol.) I am SO FOCUSED on all this stuff, yet so unorganized, and pushing myself to try to do everything and then feeling guilty about all the things I'm not doing. So I'm breaking.

But OF COURSE I am. Because I cannot do it all.

But I cannot allow that broken feeling, or fear of failing or thoughts that I can't keep up or that I'm not good enough let me quit. And I definitely cannot allow myself to sink down into that little hole of depression where I tell myself nothing matters. I can't and I won't let that happen. It WILL be hard for a while because while I'm working on myself BIG TIME, I'm also basically teaching myself a business and marketing myself, by myself. It can easily become "too much." And I realize how stupid this may sound, and feel free to judge me for being honest. But if you've ever really, really wanted something and you were like obsessed, you'd get it. It's a lot. And it's mostly focused on ME, so it's probably more mentally exhausting than anything else. It's about me taking control of my life and my happiness and my future and my everything, so of course I am obsessed. But I think I might be getting to the point where I am hurting myself more than helping myself. I need to slow down. I can't be everywhere. I can't do everything. I need to get organized and create some balance with it all. I have other parts of my life that need attention too. And I have to remember, part of being a coach is setting a good example, and this is not it. I can't be perfect because no one's perfect. 

I don't know. I feel like I could go on and on justifying why I want to do it all and why I can't, and all of this just reminds me of that Beyonce quote that I hate so much. I'm even sitting here right now looking at my haggard nails and thinking how I wanted to paint them today, but I didn't have time and WHAT IF I NEED TO TAKE AN INSTAGRAM PICTURE WITH MY HANDS?! So I'm tempted to stay up even later. But life isn't on Beyonce time! We cannot do it all and we cannot be it all! That is the reality of life. And that whole saying "you have as any hours in a day as Beyonce" really does piss me off. I mean, just go to Pinterest and type in Beyonce. It's all "GRIND. SLAY. WIN." Which I get. I love. Girl power. We can do amazing, awesome things. But NO ONE IS BEYONCE! I'm going to make a mug that says that on it. Who else wants one? 



  1. I will take one of those mugs! I'm sorry you are starting to feel overwhelmed, but don't be too hard on yourself. You found something you are passionate about and you are inspiring others. That's awesome! But it's also ok to take a step back and take a time out whenever you need to. I'm sure Beyoncé does while all 74927 of her staff continue to do all of the grinding and slaying 😒.

  2. Hahahaha you are the best!! And no kidding. It's so not fair anyone compares to her. Not real life!

  3. sorry you're going through a rough time! easier said than done, i know, but you need to stop being so hard on yourself. you've done some really brave & astonishing things in the past few months and i know your followers (myself included) are in awe of all you've done! oddly enough i wrote a post about being overwhelmed a few weeks ago and used that stupid beyonce quote too. HATE IT.

    1. Hahaha okay, I just went back to your blog to read that and realized I did read that post. I am losing my mind! I swear I can't retain any information anymore. That's what doing too much does. I keep hearing about how multi-tasking is so bad for you because you can't actually focus on more than one thing, and I think it's true. But seriously, what a dumb quote about Beyonce. I love her, OF COURSE. And she's totally inspirational because she's a boss, but she's like not real life lol. We can't do all the things. ESP someone like you who has a social life AND a full time job and an amazing blog! I don't know how you do it all! And I realize this sounds comical me complaining like this, but everyone's different. I personally cannot take a lot of stress, so I don't. I'm okay with it, I admit it. But I still want to do all the things and have big giant dreams. Just need 5 billion dollars maybe. (Just kidding, I have no idea how much she's worth. More?)

  4. Aw. Sorry to hear that.
    But yoga is fun and it takes more practice. Don't pressure yourself to much, honey. Just try to enjoy. In no time, you'll say, "Beyonce who?" (Or not. The Queen B's always the Queen B. :D)

    1. Lol she is like a God that no one can compare to. She's in her own league.

  5. lol i hate that quote too.. beyonce most likely has a bunch of people helping her do the things she does. good for her. she's beyonce. i don't want to be beyonce.
    but seriously girl. good for you for going after what you want and something that means a lot to you, but you really need to not be so hard on yourself. you know you can't do it all, and no-one is perfect. you just gotta do the best you can do and it will be the best. end of story. it yourself some slack, doesn't mean you give up or give in. it just means you do your best. you have got to take care of yourself, mentally, emotionally and physically. it's no joke. you cannot skimp on that.
    and as for losing it over ridiculous shit.. i mean, has anyone ever lost it over something that wasn't ridiculous? lol i'd rather lose it over something so silly i can't say it, so i can laugh about it, vs something serious that i can't fix ;)
    so. be nice to yourself! i mean it. kudos for all you've done.

    1. You're my favorite ever. Thank you. And seriously, very good point. If I lost it over something that really mattered...then I would be in much more trouble. At least my "problems" are really not problems. And yeah, no thanks to Beyonces life. I mean, she HAS to be stressed out right? She's like super woman. That's a lot of pressure. Noo thank you!

  6. I am so with you on this. I don't get depressed much anymore, but I was suicidal for years in my late teens/early twenties. So I totally go down those rabbit holes (which oddly enough, I touched on in my blog that I just wrote before reading this!) where everything sucks and life sucks and blah blah blah. And it's so dumb because I KNOW it doesn't. It's just me being dramatic and letting my emotions get the best of me. I think being a Beachbody coach is awesome, but I also think balance in working out/eating is so important and teaching others that balance is important too. I used to have a really strict diet and it was pretty easy for me. I didn't miss shit food. But I didn't focus on it. I never stressed over what I was eating and if it just became a way of life. It wasn't a "diet" at all. It was just the food I ate. Food and exercise shouldn't define any part of you. They should be enhancing your life- not making it stressful. They are things that fuel your body and should be positive! I always want to paint my nails, just for the record (which is not even necessary to make note of). But now I'm just balding anyway because of postpartum hair loss so what is the point of making my fingers cute if I'm not even going to have any hair left?


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