Friday, December 29, 2017

MOM: EST, 2017.


I haven't posted here in a while...

Like, 8 months to be exact, lol. But - HOLY MOTHERHOOD.

It knocked me on my ass, quite honestly. And if you follow me anywhere else, you know this. But I decided to abandon this space more or less because every time I sat down to try and write, I started to feel bad? I blamed it on lack of time, but really - I just felt like my story didn't fit in here? I felt ashamed. Embarrassed? Maybe it was all those "Mom Blogs" I followed for so many years...

MAYBE THAT'S THE PROBLEM.


They never showed the side of Motherhood where we're up at 3:00 - IN THE MORNING - steaming up the bathroom in hopes that my baby will finally sleep, while googling flu symptoms and "how do you trick a baby into drinking out of a bottle" and how to literally suck the snot of a childs nose.

Just kidding about that last one, lol. Sort of. I mean, I do already know how...

AND THAT'S MOTHERHOOD. Basically, it's not knowing anything but feeling like you should. And just wanting to go to sleep, but knowing that you can't. But then despite wishing you could run away, or hand him/her back to whoever's supposed to be in charge - there's always this moment where you look around at the mess and seriously consider if this is like, the very best moment of your entire life.

UM, WHAT? LIKE. WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

Motherhood, THAT'S WHAT. The most confusing, WEIRD + most wonderful thing ever.

It's funny, I saw a t-shirt once that said "ain't no hood like motherhood." And I rolled my eyes. But, for real. AIN'T NO HOOD LIKE MOTHERHOOD. It'll take you DOWWN. And then bring you wayyyyy, back up - BECAUSE IT'S A FREAKING ROLLER COASTER + I KNOW THIS MAKES NO SENSE, BUT HEY, REMEMBER IT'S 4AM AND I'M A MOM NOW, SO WHAT IS EVEN LIFE?

Okay though no, really. It's just really, really hard. Nothing can prepare you for the transition from person, to Mother. It's one thing to take care of yourself your whole life, and when you're pregnant you THINK you know what it's like to have a baby because you're literally carrying it around with you - but that's the easy part. Wait until it makes it's own demands, and literally dictates your life, without even being able to speak, lol. I got a lot of advice when I was pregnant. Like, "get your sleep." Which is good, but some better advice would have been like, "hey. I know you're super excited, but you should know this right now. What you see on Pinterest isn't real. It's going to be REALLY HARD. OK?"

LIKE, REALLY, REALLY HARD.

And yet so freaking wonderful at the same time, it's not even funny. And THAT'S sort of what makes it so hard.

It's like, emotional whiplash.
Sleep deprivation.
Sacrifice.
Pain.
Guilt.
Worry.
Tears.
So many tears..

And then it's beautiful. So beautiful, you can't even find the right words. (That, or it's 4AM and I'm dead.)

So yeah, it's been hard. I've struggled with the transition a lot. And no, I'm really not blaming (the dirty, lying) Mom blogs, or anything else because I think it was always going to BE hard because it JUST IS. And just like everything else, we all deal differently, and for me, maybe it's just been extra-hard? I don't know. It's been a wonderful, beautiful year. Definitely the best year, but also a year of sadness for me too. And maybe that's why I stopped coming here? Because I feel bad admitting that. There's not a huge "bad mom" presence around here, lol.

But that's where I'm at tonight. Reflecting on this year, and vowing to stop being so hard on myself  because I did it. And if I stopped focusing so much on what didn't go as expected, or where I fell short - I can see that I've done a pretty good job. I was knocked down a lot - like three heavy phases of postpartum depression, and I've gotten back UP and gotten better every time. And this little lady is so great. SO FREAKING GREAT, I HAVE NO WORDS. SHE'S THE BEST.

So I guess this is my return to the blogging world, lol. A good old ramble. But this is my messy/beautiful life now, and I'm sort of starting to love it. And I won't feel bad about admitting that, because I needed TIME. It aways takes time to get better at anything in life, right? No one grows overnight. And maybe that's all we need to know? That whatever chapter you're heading into this year, you'll grow and learn and change, and if you're a Mom - know you'll ride the rollercoaster and you'll do great freaking job. Just give yourself time. OK? Ok, cool.

And with that, I'm off to bed now. HAPPY 2018.
xx.


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