Tuesday, July 10, 2018

DIET DROPOUT.


I'm a big believer that things really do just fall into your lap sometimes.

Or, you order it on Amazon and then it's delivered to your door...lol.

But no, really. Just like I had never heard of Beachbody three years ago, and it showed up in my Instagram feed one day. A few months ago I had never heard of the idea of intuitive eating, then it showed up in my Instagram feed one day. It's a bit "trendy" so it's no suprise, especially as I'm involved in the wellness world, and industry. But just like Beachbody, what I had found was a real person, living it, and bless her heart -- SHARING it, and I started watching.

It intrigued me. Like, a lot. To where I was following this girl just to see what she ate for lunch, and then searching for other people who were talking about it, and reading their stories and I just couldn't get enough. I was so curious. And I actually have this whole spiel I talk about when I share with girls about the coaching opportunity and how curiousity is energy, and passion is just another word for energy, so basically -- curiousity is what gets you to pay attention to what you really care about. I even ask them what's something that they could do for hours, or what section of Barnes and Noble they would get lost in if they had nowhere to be.

...... / what would you put in your Amazon cart over and over again, lol.

Early in May, I had done a "mindful" eating course with a bunch of girls, and while it was definitely one of the more flexible nutrition plans I had ever done, I'd say that I more or less "failed" it. There were some rules, or suggestions, and because there were..I felt I had to break them. Anyone else relate? I actually know so, because about half the group loved it and are doing great, but the other half, well -- they are me. Which is where this finally came in. After I was late for Little Gym one morning because I was watching an Instagram Live story from an Intuituive Eating Counselor, I was like..why am I holding back from learning more about this? I think what's been hard for me, and this is #REALTALK -- is that because I share so much, and stepped into this "coach" role, I think I'm not supposed to have problems anymore. I went from hiding my eating disorder, to talking about it like it was all behind me. But I've been very much still living it, just under cover in the name of "health."

I don't think it's uncommon. And if I truly want to help people, which I do. Then it helps no one if I'm not being honest. And honestly -- I have a problem. Food has controlled my life for as long as I can remember. I binge as a coping mechanism for literally everything. To numb whatever feelings I don't want to feel, to comfort myself, distract myself. Then throw in the fact that I like to be thin...and I don't think it was anyones fault because it's just the way it is, but I was raised knowing skinny was good. Meaning obviously, that food was bad. So I've been living in a state of food regret and guilt my entire life.

I have a video about my eating disorder if anyone wants to hear about it, I'll link it >> here, but..it's a lot. And just like it's hard to say when it started, I'm not sure if it ever ends either. There have been many times where I thought I was "cured." I mean, almost ten years ago I stopped taking adderall to supress my appetite. Two years ago, I stopped purging. I was pretty successful for a while at the whole "balance" thing, but I don't think what they mean by balance is obsessing over your food choices all week, and then deciding you're going insane, so you eat 25 cookies. Food still controls my every thought just as much as it always has, if not more lately. And honestly? I'm just so tired of it.

I'm over it.

And maybe that's where it ends?

We'll find out. I've heard this takes on average 9 months of practice to get the hang of, which makes sense since you're unlearning everything you've ever known. Or NOT known, like while we were out to lunch over the weekend, and I realized that I literally don't even know if I'm hungry or not. Or what for. I read the menu over and over trying to decide what sounded good, and it was stressful. A few thoughts kept coming to mind. One was, that I should order a salad because I'm "supposed to" have a certain number of veggie servings every day. The other was, to eat light so I could order a dessert. Even though, I wasn't even really in the mood for dessert, it was an opportunity to play the balance / cheat card and get away with ordering dessert. But with less guilt because I shorted myself on lunch first. It sounds silly, but it was so hard for me to just order what I felt like eating because I had all these rules and ideas surrounding the decision, making it seem super important. When in fact, it was just lunch. One of the millions I will have in my lifetime, and if every food decision is that important..where's the room for everything else? It's just all consuming for me. And, I'm over it.

Maybe this will just become another thing I try, but my hopes are it's the last thing. And I've done enough pre-research / stalking to know that for someone like me with my history, and where I'm at, it seems promising. But holy NINE MONTHS lol. Figured if I'm going to share and hope to help others, I'd better start from the beginning so here we go.

Have you heard of Intutive Eating? Have you tried it? Are you a pro?? If so, let me stalk you, haha! And if you want to follow along on the daily, friend me on Instagram, ok?!

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