Saturday, September 22, 2018

FIRST TRIMESTER DIARIES.

....thought since I am losing my mind, this might be a good place to get all my feelings out. I absolutely HATE the secrecy of the first trimester, but I get it. Especially after having approx 4579575 internet Mom friends now, I've heard my share of stories, so I'm a lot more aware this time around of what could happen. Which, I hate. When I was first pregnant with Emily, I knew of things like the 'm' word, but I didn't know how often things like that happened. Now I know, and it definitely makes for me a lot more anxious time around....

Today I am 8 weeks, 1 day apparently. 


I only have about 25 apps on my phone all telling me basically nothing, lol. The baby is a raspberry in some and "almost a raspberry" in others? He or she has an enormous head, and it will be a while before it resembles anything that looks like baby. I spent all morning crying on the couch, watching Elmo with Emily and googling "8 weeks pregnant, why am I so sad?" while simulataneously reading Dr. Suess's, "The Great Birthday Bird" which is a book Emily is obsessed with...even though she's torn out all of the pull tabs, so a couple pages make no sense anymore. The crying today was hard. I wake up every day with the best intentions, and it seems at some point I just lose it. I've heard it explained like a tidal wave coming in. The hormones. You just get smacked with emotion and then all of a sudden, you're crying for no reason. Except, there are actually SO MANY REASONS.

It's been really hard being this exhuasted with a full-time toddler around. And that drives me to tears many nights in itself. I feel like I'm being a bad Mom. I'm frustrated that I'm getting nothing done since the minute she naps, I nap and then spend the rest of the day trying to convince Emily to play by herself from the couch. Not that I was this amazing SAHM Mom before, lol...but I feel especially horrible now. She's in this stage where she wants to learn and explore, and she's been sort of on her own the past few weeks. I haven't been a super great wife either. I'm not sure what else we've talked about lately other than me not feeling well. The only fun in it so far for John are my cravings. The other night he got home, there was nothing for dinner because I was "NOT HUNGRY FOR ANYTHING." AND "NOTHING SOUNDS GOOD, AT ALL." So after reading a list of every single food place within five miles, he finally convinced me to get a cheeseburger. And my God, if that wasn't the best cheeseburger I've ever had, lol. I don't get morning sickness, but I get wicked food aversions and nothing sounds good to me lately. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Those shakes I drink that are basically the all the superfoods of the rainforest in a glass? I have been gagging them down. Which probably doesn't help my mood, or my fatigue because without them, I'm living on carbs and cheese and fruit. Which is exaclty what I'm eating right now, lol. #fruitislife

But, I don't know. I've just been super sad. It was no secret how bad I wanted this to happen, but it wasn't just because I wanted another baby. It was also because I wanted to get another baby over with...

I never imagined that this stage of life would be so hard for me since it was all I ever wanted, and it was my "I'll be happy when" thing - but it's so had. I don't do well with the hormones or the lack of personal space and the feeling of being sort of, trapped. Like, I'm stuck here until further notice and that's that. When you're the Mom, there's no one else to replace you. (Unless you have a nanny, then cool) Or to just surrender and be like, "yeah this is a lot, I quit..." Nope - you're literally the ONLY one for the job and the idea of that feels just, a bit heavy. Like, shoot...me? I HAVE to see this thing through? Quitting's not an option?

It's a lot.

So the idea of doubling down is terrifying. Those first few months with a newborn almost killed me, how do I do it again, IN ADDITION to the wildchild that almost killed me, lol? Can I do it?

Well, the answer is I have to. And that makes me cry, lol...


UGH. That's probably enough for now. I've gotta run off and try and get happy so I can make it through the second half of the day. *Picture of me wearing this weird outfit is because I tried to get my life together once already today. **Maybe I'm not a quitter after all...

________________________________________

9 weeks, 2 days:


This is the first time I've cried all week, so seems appropriate that I come here to write. Lol, UGH. Today just feels...long, like all the days do. But this week, John's been working literally like 15 hour days, so it only being Thursday feels like an eternity and for some reason - even though I am still beyond exhuasted, I cannot sleep. I toss around all night, and then I'm having a hard time napping too. I keep trying new spots in the house to nap, and it's just not working. It's hot. And I feel...worried. I think it's because things are starting to catch up with me, like all the things I'm not getting done, and it's becoming this huge stressful un-done list of things in my head that I can't shake off. I did something really stupid business-wise last week, because I was feeling like I just didn't want the burden of all my responsibilites, and now I'll probably most definitely regret it - so there's that. My chalkboard in the hallway has said "make eye appointment, etc etc etc" on it for three weeks now. And I just keep looking at it and doing nothing, lol. But I better do that one soon, because I have about two weeks left of contacts. Lol, UGHH. I'm not doing any of the things I "should" be doing, because I don't have the energy. I started an online photo order A WEEK ago, and it's still sitting here in my tabs bar; another thing that will probably take me at least a few more weeks to get to...

I'm somewhat adjusting to this extreme fatigue though, because I have to - but it's still really depressing feeling like it will never go away. I think I remember with Emily being about 14 weeks when I felt like I had my energy back. But, I also had so much time to myself. I feel like this pregnancy is just going to be exhuasting right up until the end. And then the end = now you can only sleep in 2 hour increments, AND ENTERTAIN A TODDLER. Have fun! Lol.

But we did finally get to see the Doctor last week, which was a relief because there is actually a baby in there. So that was good news. And all looked good (or as good as can be in the shortest ultrasound ever) and they gave me a due date of April 2nd. Although, I'll have a 39 week c-section, so we'll get to choose babys actual birthday when it gets closer. (Still a c-section fan.) And next week I get the genetic testing done, so by 12 weeks we should know gender! Heartbeat was 160, which I think means girl, but I still feel like it's a boy most of the time. I actually had a dream the other night that we were at the Doctors and she told us the baby was a boy, but that he looked short, hahaha. The weird pregnancy dreams are back! I had another one where I was on an airplane with Khloe Kardashian, and she was pregnant and needed off the plane mid-air, so they tied a rope around her and dropped her down through the sky, lol. And then I ordered orange chicken and pizza from the flight attendant. (I've never even had orange chicken, lol?) Then one night I was at a haunted house with my friend and I wanted to leave, but I had an old school flip phone and couldn't download the app for Uber, lol.

The dreams are pretty funny. But everything else just feels like survival mode, and it sucks.
1.) Get through the day.
2.) Try to sleep.
3.) Hope I'm not ruining Emilys toddlerhood. 

It's hard.


But I guess the good news so far is that I have BARELY thought about my changing body, and what I look like. Maybe because I just trust my body now to do what it's going to do? And because practicing Intuitive Eating has (mostly) rid me of that obsession. But here I am, 9 weeks 2 days. I have such a short torso, everything just sort of starts to puff out and I'm all gut for a while, lol...

________________________________________

10 weeks, 6 days: 


DOING BETTER. 

DOING SO MUCH BETTER. 

I figured out the secret. I'm wrestling with it and John's not happy.

BUT IT'S CAFFEINE. 

I didn't drink any with Emily, besides the occasional Diet Coke if we were staying out late or something, lol. And I figured since I had such a healthy pregnancy last time and a pretty *perfect* baby, that it was probably safe to do the same thing.....so I stopped. My beloved pre-workout, coffee, tea, ALL OF IT. And I think it was probably what made weeks 5-8 SO, SO hard too. Like, I took away my lifeline....AND my body went into hibernation. Double whammy! I'm sure it was good that I took a few weeks off to "detox" because I was drinking some super high levels prior to getting pregnant. But I realized this week that having NO CAFFEINE just wasn't going to be realistic this time around. I feel like I've been trying to live my life with my hands tied behind my back or something. Things have been so much harder than they probably needed to be. I'm making myself miserable and I think it was totally contributing to my depresssion these past few weeks. And I tell people all the time, "only you can help yourself." So, I had to do what I had to do.... 

And it's crazy what just the smallest glass of iced tea can do, lol. 

Today, I weeded the whole front yard. Like, I have motivation again!! HOORAH! But I'm also just pretty pumped for fall because it's finally cool outside and I have been WISHING FOR THIS FOR SO LONG. I am so grateful I wasn't pregnant over the summer, as badly as I wanted to be a few months ago because that heat was brutal. I couldn't even step outside a few weeks ago,  because I'd instantly get a headache. (Being stuck inside = also a recipe for depression.)

It was a pretty decent day. (How's that for a positive update, finally lol.)

But now Emily is at my feet, screeching....

So, gonna wrap it up and just say praise Jesus things are looking up. I'm BEYOND READY TO STOP LIVING IN SECRET TOO. I HATE THIS PART!


....the puffy gut continues, lol. 

________________________________________

11 weeks, 2 days: 


UGH.

I'm sad and embarassed to say that last night I had my first real breakdown over my changing body.  Apaprently, I spoke too soon! Maybe it's because I can definitely tell that things are changing now, or maybe it's because I stepped on the scale yesterday even though I KNEW it was a bad idea. I'm just having a hard time not comparing my weight week-by-week to what I weighed when I was pregnant with Emily. Even though that's totally not fair, and I know it.

I also shared a few clips from my workout the other morning, and I just scrutinized myself for not looking "small." (So dumb.) And I HATE that I'm even admitting this and I wish I could be stronger, but it's real life and change is hard. So I wasn't feeling great about myself all day, and then when John and I were watching TV in bed later at night, he touched my stomach and I just couldn't hold back the tears any longer. It was one of those cries that you try really hard to keep in, and not let anyone see...but you can't. And then I said some really mean things about myself that I regretted IMMEDIATELY because I knew it was wrong, and I know I'm better than that. But it's hard in the moment when you're trying to grapple with that kind of change. 

I think it's just that awkward, weird stage though where you don't LOOK pregnant combined with the fact that you're still "pretending" you're not. It's wearing big shirts to hide my growing belly, and acting like everything is still normal...

Have I MENTIONED THAT I HATE THE HIDING OUT PART? Lol. Well, I do. 

BUT, soon! So soon!


And in the mean time, I'll just be digging out all of my maternity clothes already and ignoring mirrors. KIDDING. Just going to do my best to embrace this weird stage because that's all I can do, and that's what I SHOULD do.


Next time I blog....I'LL BE GOTTA THE CLOSET, BABY.

*And hopefully, the second trimester energy will follow! **PLEASE DEAR LORD.

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